Right Now - Random

Random thoughts that I have been thinking about all rolled up into one weird blog, here goes.

Right now … I am 35 years old!!! Dun da duuuuuhhhh! That is a very strange age for me because when I was little I told everyone that my Mom was 36 until she was around 42. I just thought that was a good number and I was going to stick to it. Now that I am only one small year away from that magical number it makes me a bit reflective. I know I’m getting nostalgic about a future birthday, I never said my thoughts made much sense. I was nine years old when my Mom was 36, my daughter will be two. I was in third grade wearing my teacher’s shoes because she thought it was so funny that we wore the same size seven. I would strut in wearing penny loafers and she would clomp in with hot pink LA Gear high tops with multicolored double laces. It was probably a great thing that I told everyone for the next five years that my Mom was 36. She was a teacher at a private school and because of that my sister and I were enrolled. We got to grow up in the strange world of an Orange County CA private school. I called my Mom “Mrs. McAlister” instead of Mom and my friends called her Mom. What? I know things just got all mixed up for me. Since I went to “work” with my Mom every day I knew her co-workers and even though I was “never to speak of anything I heard while I was in their company” (this was actually said to me on a weekly basis by more than one faculty member) they in turn did not have the same restrictions for anything that I might say in their company. I learned to keep my mouth shut and my ears open. My Mother stayed a perky 36 and everyone pretended to be happy. When my own daughter is nine I will be … add 12 carry the 2 borrow from the 15 … 43 years old. Hopefully, she finds the number 36 as inviting as I did and carry on the tradition of my Eternal Youth. A few, well more than a few, years ago I actually tried doing the same thing to myself. It really wasn’t on purpose I just kept forgetting how old I was and when the question came up, and it came up a lot too, I would say, “24.” Then I would roll right along with the rest of the conversation with all of my friends staring at me with amused looks on their faces. Well really who goes around asking a 20 something woman what their age is anyway? What does it matter? I showed the bartender my ID and was handed a beer. That pretty much answers any questions that a man might have when starting a conversation with me … IN A BAR. So after one of these incidences my friend, whose birthday is one month before mine, looked at me stopped the conversation dead in its tracks and said loudly, “We are 29 years old, where have you been for the last five years?” I laughed my butt off because I really had forgotten how old I was and I did feel like a time traveler.

This is my friend April who wanted to know where I had been for the last five years.

Right now … I want to tell you about my love affair with “The Day Before”.  I find that I enjoy the anticipation of things sometime more than the actual thing. I love beautifully wrapped packages, Fridays and the night before a road trip. I will actually make myself sick sometimes with the excitement, getting so deep into the pressure cooker of anticipation, that I actually give myself stomach cramps. Good grief! But I just love, love, love the moment before big things, there is so much potential and opportunity. My mind wanders through all of the wonderful scenarios of a good weekend trip or a heartfelt gift. I used to work for my Aunt in the summers at her daycare and the anticipation of what I would spend my money on was much better than what I actually bought and I bought some good outfits from Contempo Casuals, remember the floral denim shorts and jacket combos? (Get pick of outfit from somewhere.)  This month we are taking a mini vacation to Parker AZ where we will celebrate the five year anniversaries of my good friends who had the best double wedding in the desert. We are all going back the “scene of the crime” the Desert Bar and celebrating with cold Coors Lite and grilled hamburgers … No Cheese EVER! The anticipation meter has been gaining momentum the last few days and I love every minute of it. I am amassing a piles of clothes, saving them for the trip and imagining the fun we will have in them. This will be Allie’s first time seeing the bar, last time I was about four months pregnant she didn’t get to see much because she was rocking the aisle seat on Mommy Airlines. I can’t wait to let her explore the rocky desert landscape, finding all kinds of treasures and trying to eat them. The bright sun will turn our skin brown as we enjoy games of horseshoes and tag. I can’t wait for Allie to learn about this place with Saige, Zoe and Zannah the first of our girls (I have taken ownership of all of my friends’ children) that found adventure in the craggy wilderness. All the wonder and joy these girls felt when five years ago they were discovering the place will come out and shape the memories of my girl. I simply cannot wait! This Day Before is so yummy and delicious I just love swimming in this feeling.

This is not me but you get the idea, Contempo Casuals forever!

These are my friends whose children I have taken as my own and will be spending some fun time with in the Desert.

Right now … I have started a project using needles that once belonged to Terry’s Grandma Jane. I am making baby booties, hopefully, and I am feeling a small little spiritual link right now. The tip of these blue aluminum needles is now silver because the paint has worn off from much use. It makes me feel closer to her and grateful that I get to use her needles to continue the tradition of handmade items that will bring joy to the people around me just as she brought joy to the people around her handmade gifts.

I just love knitting and it makes me so happy to give them away. 

Right now… my baby girl has the biggest blue eyes. I look into her eyes and I see my Grandpa Joe and his big blues eyes twinkling at me. I miss him. I wish he could have met my daughter. Wishing doesn’t change anything. All I can do is whisper stories about him in her ear and hope that she “remembers” him the way that I remember my Great Grandma Nora Bell East through the stories my own Mother told me. I never met this Great Grandma but my Mom brought her to life with stories of sunny afternoons spent at Grandma’s house. My Mom says I sort of look like her, we have the same legs and hips! I will tell my baby that she has her Great Grandpa’s eyes.

Just a small note about The Boston Marathon 2013, I don’t know anyone that was hurt or even participated in the event. What I do know is that I am an American and violence of any kind towards Americans and even worse on American soil is horrible. It makes my heart hurt, a tight squeeze that continues until I can’t breathe. This feeling makes me angry and irrational I want to scream, blame someone and punch something but none of these actions will do anyone any good. No one. So in these times of sadness I like to go back to a quote from Fred Rogers, for those of you that grew up in the 80’s Mr. Rogers our favorite neighbor, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, My Mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my Mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in the world.” In that same spirit I say, “Hold your loved ones a little tighter, smile to a stranger a little wider and let your light shine a little brighter.” Giving into anger and fear well “that is the way of the Dark Side” and we all know what happened to the Emperor in the end, he died a sad wrinkled screaming mess. Allowing ourselves to fall into sadness and anger will only let the terrorists behind this tragedy win, we can’t let that happen. God has listened to my prayers and in return he helped me to figure out a way to help my heart hurt just a little bit less.

Right Now … The winds have kicked up around here and I sound like Snuffaluffagus. My lips are under about an inch of Chap Stick and I think they just might need another layer, so chapped! Not attractive. I am reluctant to move my body because if I do my skin might just crack into a million pieces and fly away. Although I might be uncomfortable wind does amazing things to a regular suburban landscape turning an ordinary walk into a magical afternoon. The bright sun, swirling leaves and dancing trees are just what I need to bring my spirits up. I forget my chappy lips for about 2 minutes.

Family

So I want my daughter, hopefully in the future my children, to know what it is to have roots and connections. I want them to feel the surrounding love of people that are connected to them. A connection that in my mind is a big fluffy afghan that has been pieced together from a group of crazy knitters, red here and blue there and oh my goodness what color is that! I simultaneously come from a big family and a small family. I only have one sibling, a sister, and my Mother has one sibling, a brother, but my Dad has five siblings, four brothers and a sister. I come from a big/small family. I get the best of both worlds the big loud raucous family holidays and the cozy intimate summer nights at the pool. My husband has brought his own goofy group of individuals he calls family and this week that group got a little bigger. We met his brother Jake and girlfriend Lauren. They were simply delightful. Yes, simply delightful. A brother that Terry did not have the privilege of growing up with but is a really interesting man to get to know. I was able to introduce another Uncle to my daughter and she has an added layer of fluffy afghan to snuggle in.

Family can come from anywhere at any time. Last Saturday we had no less than three parties to go to! That is a lot of celebrating and we did it in the true Miller fashion, running from place to place and eating. I just love that all of my family realize that parties are fun with balloons and streamers but as my nephew Gabriel once famously said, “It’s not a birthday without cake!” And to that I say, “Quite right!” Even if it was my birthday he was talking about because we had no cake. The next day I went to the Swap Meet with my friend April and as we were strolling through the aisles eyeballing wrap dresses and board books I started babbling about all of my family obligations that I had to do the day before and how nice it was today to just relax, I then realized that I had lumped her daughter’s birthday party into the “family obligations” that I was now relaxing from. I opened my big mouth to apologize; I felt like I had just insulted her party, she cut me off with a smile and a wave. “Don’t you dare apologize, I know what you mean it is nice to relax but it is also really great that you think of us as family.” And I do. That sort of caught me by surprise. I value my friends and their children, they have always been there for me when I needed them and I got to play with their babies any time I wanted a fix. I love being Aunt Jen to all of their kiddos. I have just always had “my family” those people related to me by blood or marriage and then “my friends” those people that have stuck to me throughout the years as if we all had sticky hands on each other’s butts. I was smacked in the head with the realization that these people are no longer my friends but my family. I know this is not an earth shattering revelation, many people have had this thought before me but I have not had this thought before.  Um  … what? You know what I mean. It was a new idea for me. No matter how many times I am told something if I don’t get it, and sometime I REALLY don’t get it, then I just won’t believe it. Something changed in my heart this weekend because although my head may have known that my friends were close to me and I valued them very much my heart had not yet felt that deep down snuggle of the afghan of family. I looked around and realized that my fluffy warm inviting afghan was folded up in places hiding more colors: fuchsia, turquoise and navy blue. My friends had been warming my butt! So I just want to say, “I love you and thanks for keeping me warm.”

Distance cannot “unmake” a family. For Easter I decided that I wanted to visit my Aunt Rhonda in Los Banos. My Uncle John is the pastor of a church there and I thought it would be just wonderful to go to his church on Easter Sunday; Allie would get to wear an Easter dress, sit in a pew and listen to her cousin lead the praise team in song. She would get to color eggs with Aunt Rhonda just like I did when I was a little girl. She would get to play with cousins, my cousins that are 10 years younger than me. These are the cousins that I got to play with like baby dolls. Sorry Barbie, Sally and Katie I got to practice changing diapers on you and learning just the right spot on my hip for carrying babies. You seem to have turned out alright so I must have learned pretty quickly how to do things right. Allie would get to play with Uncle John and have him fix her hair, he raised three girls and knows how to tame a few locks. So I scheduled time off and reserved a hotel room and blissfully anticipated the weekend to come. And you know what? It was AWESOME; the weekend was everything I imagined and more. Laid back, casual and cozy. My baby warmed up to everyone and reveled in all of the attention. She walked and stopped crawling showing off her new found skill to adoring clapping fans. I was snuggled in family fun as my Aunt and I made a Butterfinger pie then passed out mixer blades and spoons for licking. I just love walking into a living room with a mixing blade and ask, “You wanna lick this?” It is irresistible everyone says yes. Grandma sang “Yankee Doodle” to my little girl coaxing a grin then went in and stole some tickles. It was magical. Los Banos is not near my house it is about a 6 hour drive but the distance does not stop the love from coming out and dancing around us at these events.

I am so happy to have family and I am so happy to share that feeling with my own little family.  

Have a happy weekend everyone!

Jenn

HELLO My name is ...

I have been thinking about what I want to write on my blog. During my daily walks and 15 minutes before I fall asleep, snuggled in bed with my wiggling baby and tired husband,  I construct and edit the most fascinating and witty literary jewels. Then I get back to work or fall asleep and completely forget all the well-crafted whimsy that floated through my brain. I wish I had a pensieve for my thoughts. Then I could go back and pull out all of those lovely lines of prose I so desperately want someone to see.

I am a writer that does not write.

That line makes me feel a little sad and downright guilty. As if the things I do in my life are not important and I should be doing what I love and blah blah blah blah …

I am trying to do what I love but since I don’t live in a Disney movie I have bills to pay and plans to save for and well life that needs taking care of and I just lose the time to write. But I do write beautifully in my own mind and that is why I have decided that I am a writer. What does that mean for me well, nothing really but it does give me a lovely feeling inside to label myself a writer among  the other things that I am including but not limited to Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, Administrative Assistant (not my favorite by the way), knitter, quilter, reader, sometimes artist and crafter.

I have decided to write a blog about “Right Now” and hopefully being in the moment, truly enjoying the present. (Of course, that is sometimes difficult while my butt is planted in a desk chair at work for 8 hours. But I digress …)

Here are a few of the fun things that make up my world.

Allie or Allison Jane Kiku Miller is my daughter. I saddled her with a mouthful of a name didn’t I?! Well why not? She can handle it. She can change it to whatever she wants when she gets older but I wanted to start her off with a good healthy dose of family roots. Allison is a name her Father and I decided on before I was even pregnant. We thought about names and made a list so that when the time came we wouldn’t agonize and fight over what name to choose. Jane is the name of her Great Grandma Miller and she was not able to stay with us long enough to meet Allie, only 4 months shy. Everyday my feisty headstrong daughter reminds me of Jane. Kiku is the name of her Great Aunt who was sweet and small and tiny. She taught me and my sister how to fold paper cranes. I remember her smiling face patiently showing me the steps and although we did not speak the same language we understood one another. My little girl can have the sweetest happiest smile sometimes and even though she does not speak yet we understand each other too.

Baking is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.  A little flour, a little sugar, throw in an egg and voila! I have something that people just love. I go into the kitchen and for a few minutes I leave the world behind and watch the mixer cream eggs and beat butter, it is a dance. My favorite part is right in between the assembling of ingredients and pulling the finished muffins or cakes out of the oven, I clean up the kitchen. All of the dishes are put away and the cooling racks are set up just begging to hold the hot sweet smelling goodies. There is a feeling of anticipation and potential that I just love at that moment.

Knitting, oh what can I say about knitting? Obachan (Grandma Yasuko) taught me how to knit. I would listen to her and my Mom knit and the sound the needles make (aluminum needles, the wooden ones really don’t make any noise at all) is a soft swish click that is soothing and rhythmic and totally intoxicating. I felt compelled to make that same noise and so one day I asked her to show me how to knit. I was really ambitious and decided to make a baby sweater for my friend at work who would soon be having a little girl. I chose a pattern with stripes and had to continually change the colors every fourth row, for all you non-knitters that is A LOT of color changing for someone that is just starting out! It took me about two months but I finished that sweater in time for the baby shower. After that I was hooked! I wanted to make every woman I knew a scarf and every baby a sweater. I have one scarf and one baby sweater that I have made myself and kept. I have made at least a hundred different items but I give them all away because I just love knowing the somewhere there is a warm neck and stylish little baby because of me. Although, since having my own little cutie I am finding it REALLY difficult to find the time to knit, she likes unrolling the ball before I am ready to use it. She also likes having all of my attention when we are together, she tells some of the most elaborate stories. Her language is fluent and beautiful; I just wish she wasn’t the only one that speaks it.

Handmade Bunnies are my new crafting obsession. I can make them anywhere and currently I have completed four. I saw a picture of a funny handmade bunny on Pinterest and thought “I can make one of those” so I went to the yardage store and bought some material. I made my own pattern and wrote out my own instructions. Then I got to sewing, on my breaks while at work. I have used the small time to myself at work and created the funniest bunnies that I have ever seen. My embroidery is atrocious but who cares? These funny bunnies make me happy and I am so glad to share them with the kids that I know. I have already given two as birthday presents and my daughter has gotten one for Easter. They make me happy, fulfill my creative yearnings and don’t take a lot of time.

New Boots, nuff said.

Terry is the peanut butter to my jelly. We compliment and aggravate each other. At restaurants we ALWAYS choose two items that are exactly the same. I really appreciate that he then gets excited to order both and share with me. Although it is a bit freaky like Freaky Friday kind of freaky because I like to keep my supernatural on a fun level and not an Eat Your Face kind of level. Terry likes the Eat Your Face kind of freaky so we balance each other. I know this seems a bit disjointed but that is really our relationship, it looks kooky and crooked when we are separate but all those angles fit together like a puzzle. Oh good grief that is SUPER cliché, ugh.  He is my man, my friend and my husband.

So what is the point of all this rambling? I am starting a blog today to get myself into a small world of writing. I am doing this so that I have a place to write. You can read this and comment and write with me but I have not yet decided to limit the type of writing or the direction of my writing because frankly I have no idea where I want to take this just yet. I just know that I want to write and I am going to start this way instead of filling up countless journals that will collect dust in my house (this is currently happening with previous journals). So talk to you all soon. I think this will be as much fun as I think it will be.

Thank you for reading.

Jenn  : )