My Life Is Not Over

My Life Is Not Over

I have just read two “Mommy Blogs” and I feel confused. I told you just yesterday to only read three a day and I think I have come to my limit today unless I see a funny one come up. I do like to read the funny ones about Mom’s chasing naked babies through stores screaming like a banshee, “Put your pants on! Nice babies wear pants!”

I have just read two blogs about how other women lost their identity and friends after becoming a Mother. What is that about? I really am confused. This seems to be a common theme with many women. I don’t think that I lost my identity, I gained a new facet of my personality but I don’t think I lost anything. Yes, I currently cannot drink due to that fact that I am pregnant but don’t think for one minute that I am not looking forward to that first cold beer on a warm night. This baby will be here in a month and I know it will still be hot, I own a pump and I know how to use it!  I also still go out when and where I want to, within reason I understand that not all restaurants want a screaming child at them but I didn’t really go to that kind of place to begin with. My husband always jokes with me that I am a 90 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. I like to go where the old people go to eat; most places have a kids menu with a sign next to it advertising their new pie. Yum … pie. So what have I lost? Nothing really because I just love taking my little baby, who is no longer a baby but a “Big Girl” as I was informed of the other day in the cutest high-pitched sing song voice ever, to all of the places that I want to go. When I first had her I couldn’t wait to get out of the house, I was going stir crazy and she was too. We loved jumping in the car and letting the day take us where it wanted. We shopped and got coffee, went to visit friends and generally played the entire time I was off of work.

Maybe the difference in my experience and most other women’s was the fact that I literally was the last one of my friends to have a baby, literally. We are still having a few more kiddos but I was the last one to have the FIRST one. I had gotten used to kids running around all of the time. We had a gaggle of little girls trailing us for the past 15 years and although some of my friends may be entering the teenage years and I will start once again with diapers and midnight feedings that still doesn’t separate us it just brings us closer. I will be dragging my tired body out the door to hang out in the evenings when everyone gets home from work to show off my new little goofball and let the older one hang with the gaggle. I would not want to let all of this family go just because there is a new person that will demand my attention. I love giving my children attention but I can do that at home or at my friend’s house.

Going back to work was horrible; there was endless pumping and missing my little girl. I would receive pictures from my sister during the day so I could see what they were doing but that would make me want to run out and get her right then. It made me happy and crazy all at the same time. I did not lose myself though because of this, I don’t really like being at work anyway. This was just another reason for me to want to go home. I have had a steady job since I was 15 years old; at 36 I have now had a job for over half of my life, with the only time off being vacation, sick and pregnancy disability time. I know I have not worked as long as some people but it is still a long time.  I really don’t like working but it is a means to an end. I want to have a home and a family, for that you need money. Period. I will continue to work and enjoy my family, my children, my friends and all of the wonderful experiences that I have with those people without losing my identity.

Technically there is a “before baby” time but that does not mean that it was a better time. Technically there was a “before baby” body that I will never get back but there was also a “skinny body” that I had that I will not be getting back either and that has nothing to do with getting pregnant. For a time I was fanatic about weight and keeping a certain size, I was over weight (not really fat that would be an overstatement) and I decided to lose weight. I met my goal and was crazy about maintaining that goal, some people thought that I was too skinny but I was following the guidelines for my height and age. After a devastating break up (it was devastating mostly because I was losing my dream of having a family, I was going to have to start all over again and that was the most frightening and hurtful part of the break up) I just let that fanatical attitude go. I wasn’t necessarily doing it for him but it was part of the steps I took to gain the dream of a family and since that dream was dying I just let that attitude die as well. Later I met my husband and a few years after we got married we had a child. My dream was fulfilled but I was never that skinny girl again. I certainly don’t blame my daughter for that because it is just a change that comes with living. Changes come to everyone; having a baby is not the reason, time is the reason. We are all growing older every day. We are all learning new things every day. We are all experiencing new people and places every day. Even if we work with the same people at the same office, things change every day.  

So again I say beware of reading too many Mommy Blogs, you just might get caught in a soul searching moment while you try and hash out the details of short term disability and employee services on your lunch break. (I may have read those blogs while waiting on hold with a few different departments.) Thank you for taking the time to listen to my crazy mind meandering through some thoughts. Don’t let things like having a baby make you less of a person, embrace all of the changes and add them to who you already are.

Enjoy the rest of your week everyone. Jenn

P.S. And being pregnant is not rainbows and unicorns for me, I know that some women love this but I am SOOO over it. Again I am not letting that change the person that I am, I am just getting really excited and anxious to have this baby out already so that I can enjoy all of this kicking from the other side of the bed instead of my spleen.