Pensive Thoughts

Normally I am very happy on this blog or talking about a happy event that I was involved with, and while I like to remember my life as one lovey day filled with laughter and harmony that is not always the case. In fact I consistently trick myself and purposefully look back on my memories with rose colored glasses because as I have often stated “it is much too much work to stay mad at someone; it is easier to remember the good”. With that being said I am going to dip into the pool of melancholy that has descended upon me these past few days and swim in it for a bit. Since you are a captive audience I feel completely confident that I can do this on my own public forum. If you feel that you do not want to take this dip with me feel free to stop reading but please come back next week because I will be back to my upbeat and happy post loving self.

There are so many reasons to be grumpy or unhappy or just plain sad. I had to go to work today. I had to go to El Segundo today. I have to deal with people that are always demanding things of me that I just don’t care to do. Then I find this charming little nook set up under some shady trees and I feel good. Everything in this world will work out because the world was created to hold little nooks and big shady trees, not office buildings and deadlines. Those are things that humanity has created; the reality of life does not depend upon how much money I make and how many times I can complete a work task. I live behind a façade made up of money and work. The trees do not need to earn money to have a home but I need to earn money to have a one.  So for my lunch break I will enjoy the fine weather here in El Segundo, because we are mere blocks from the beach, and hopefully this feeling of peace will float along with me until the end of my work day. When I go back to my desk I will put on “Atlas” by Coldplay and hit repeat. The soft melody and simple lyrics may blend together with the clack of my typing fingers and the hum of urgent phone conversations coming from my neighboring cubicles. I will still be confronted by my own thoughts but for a short while I will enjoy the wind in the trees. But there are still reasons to be sad.

I use the word melancholy because in the Merriam-Webster dictionary the definitions is “a pensive mood” which is perfect. I have been in a state of sad thoughtfulness with a hint of hope. I have been wrestling with my own perception of others and what they are really trying to communicate. I am the common denominator (as my husband likes to remind me) in my own life and if I am unhappy with something I should change it but what if I am not unhappy with something? What if the problem that is coming up really is not a problem for me? If the people around me are upset, have I done that? Does that make me a thoughtless or a heartless person? I see an issue but if I do not have the same level of emotional connection to it as someone else does, what do I do? I have the ability to immerse myself in empathy for others but if I just don’t see the issue as a problem does that mean I do not care about the person?

I also know that I don’t like it when others around me are upset; I tend to dwell on the problem and look desperately for a way to fix it. Look up my last blog and you will see the personality test that I took. It was right, I am constantly trying to fix and control the people around me through “good advice” and a listening ear. I hate to feel that anyone around me is upset, especially when they are upset with me and most especially with they are close to me. I am still having trouble adjusting to my new position at work because of this very same personality quirk. I constantly feel inadequate because I am ill prepared to complete tasks that are presented to me. That is not to say that I cannot complete them it just takes me longer then some (and by some I am talking about the people in charge, I am not going to single any one person out because realistically I need a job and who knows who reads this) would expect. This pressure to complete perfect tasks in a timeline that I realistically cannot meet makes my entire body vibrate. I have a physical reaction to a mental dilemma; my hands shake, I get a headache and my toes get numb. What is going on?! On top of that lovey side effect I do turn in work that while on a majority is correct and well executed there are a few small mistakes. When one or two small mistakes add up over the days and weeks and months they become a large mistake that is hard to ignore. I used to be very particular about what was turned in but now I hit send and belatedly realize that I forgot something. The constant pressure to have projects that I have never worked on turned in early has ultimately brought down the quality of my work. Quantity has gone up and quality has gone down. With all of this being said I know that I am the cause for upset amount people around me at work. I don’t want to be that person and these are people that I am not close to at all. They are not people that I value for friendship but I am still dedicating energy to them.

When I move on to the people that I do care about and I want to spend energy on what happens there? I never want someone that I love to feel small or left out or unloved. That is the worst thing possible in my mind and so for me is the worst thing possible to do to someone else. What happens when someone I care about is upset about something and I do not understand why they are upset? I love to be empathetic and a friend chameleon! If I am stumbling on an issue then does that make it my responsibility or does the other person need to communicate more effectively? How do I learn to hear them and what they really want to say? Many times I feel attacked when really they are not trying to start a fight but rather they are trying to express their frustration. Although I can intellectually see this on paper when I am typing it, there is a big difference when confronted with someone that continues to contradict every sentence that I say. So I have been wrestling with these and a few other brain teasing issues this past couple of weeks. I want to be the best Mom, Wife, and Friend that I can be but sometime I just feel that I am falling short. I think this week I will steel my nerves, open my ears and understand past the tone of others to hear what they are really trying to tell me because no matter what happens in this life the world is here to hold little nooks and shady trees. I want to turn back and remember without so much rose tint and know that things are bright and beautiful, that I am lucky to be alive and thankful for my life. 

Contemplate your life and existence but at the end of that make sure to open your eyes to the shady trees and enjoy your life!

Jenn