A Living Prayer

** Disclaimer. This is a very personal blog post and contains my views and feelings on God, of the Christian variety. Just wanted to let you know before you got half way through and felt that it might not be something that you wanted to know about me or my faith. Most of the time this blog is just about fun, fun, fun but I felt the need to write this and I was always told to write what you know. So here goes. **

A Living Prayer

Alison Krause and Union Station

In this world I walk alone with no place to call my home
But there's one who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands
The way is dark, the road is steep
But He's become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
The Savior lives inside me there

In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

In these trials of life I find
Another voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives

In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

When I was very little, and we still lived in Oregon, we would take vacations to visit my Grandparents in Southern California. The sunny days and palm trees of their homes were very different from the wet air and deep green plants that was my home.  I wanted to enjoy every last second but my Mom thought I needed a nap. Ugh. So it was during one of these vacations that I found myself in the family room of my Grandma’s house, bored to tears with nothing to play with except for a snap barrette. I was not supposed to be awake, I was not supposed to be playing and I most definitely was not supposed to be putting that barrette in my mouth and then proceeding to open and close it with my tongue. No ma’am! I was told MANY times to “Get that thing out of your mouth! You could swallow it.” Who cares? I had swallowed a lot of things that I wasn't supposed to; a marble, a penny and some of those dry beans from the grocery store bin, and nothing had ever happened to me. So I played with the barrette while I lay there on the pull out couch not sleeping; open, close, open, close, open … swallow.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

I swallowed it, just like my Mother had said. It was stuck half way down! I was going to die. This was it, what a horrible way to go. All of my family would know that I had disobeyed my Mom and then she would be sad. Of course, I panicked and scratched at my throat and started to cry but I did not scream. This is where my little five year old brain started working, I realized I was breathing and that meant I had some time. I started to pray with all of the earnestness that a small child has, I promised to obey my parents from then on if only I could get out of this situation, and by “get out” I meant so that my Mom wouldn't find out because I REALLY didn't want her to know that I had disobeyed. As I sat there silently crying I heard laughter and felt a big hug engulf me. God had spoken to me, I knew it and I still know it to this day. My mood lightened and I knew everything would be OK and I also knew what to do.  So even though it hurt like the dickens I slowly pushed my hand into my mouth and down my throat to snatch that horrible barrette out. It tried to hold on but I yanked it out. I threw the barrette across the room and thanked my lucky stars that I got it out and went right to sleep. I had already disobeyed my Mom once that day and I was not going to do it again, I had made a promise.

About a month ago I had to deal with the fact that I was no longer pregnant. Yes, for 9 short weeks I was basking in the glow of a secret, I was pregnant again. A happy surprise that came on Terry and I like a thunderclap, I was dumbfounded and kept saying, “How did this happen?” My Dad laughed and said, “Probably the usual way.”  Well thank you but as you all should know I am a planner and don’t think for one minute that I didn't have a plan for having another baby. So when this surprise came up it was truly a surprise. A wonderful, happy and downright exuberant surprise, it was on my face most of the time I think. I told a few friends and my very close family, they could tell something was up and I couldn't keep it in. But as I am a planner I had decided to wait before telling everyone because the first trimester is tricky, don’t want to count the chickens or is it the eggs …? Anyway, I decided to wait until after my first pre-natal appointment to announce the news. I made an appointment for 10/09/13 and counted down the days.  I pulled out the “What to Expect When You are Expecting” on my Nook; since I didn't read one word of it the last time, it’s never too late right? I began at page one and read through the “How to …” portion and laughed, “Oh foolish book, I already know how to do this. We’re past this point.” I read on through the very beginning stages, signs and nutrition information to sustain a healthy pregnancy. Throughout the book there are links to different sections in other chapters for cross referencing information since the same advice at the beginning of the pregnancy can be applied at the end of the pregnancy. As I was reading through the miscarriage section I accidentally hit one of these links that took me to the very end of the book, the section dealing with grief and the loss of a child. I didn't realize I had done this. At the time I thought, “Wow. This is pretty heavy stuff for the beginning of the book. Surprised it is so popular, this might scare a lot of people away from reading the rest of it.” I finally figured out what had happened when I came to the end of the book and I hadn't read anything about actually having a baby, I laughed, flipped back to the correct chapter and went on my merry way. This was my “engulfing hug” because it was time for me to know where to go when the grief hit. I was being taken care of before I even knew to ask, to pray and make promises.

A week before my scheduled appointment I started to bleed and I knew it was over. I went to the doctors several times but as the days went on I knew.  There were blood tests to take and each time right before the results came in I would hope that they told me something different than what my own body was telling me. Each time was just a sad confirmation. So on 10/08/13, one day before my appointment, it was over and I was no longer pregnant. I was so very sad. I cried and scared poor Allison one night when Terry wasn't home. I was trying to be so very strong and brave but really I was angry and wanted to scream. I remembered reading the portion of the book and knew that I hadn't read it by accident.

That entire week before I went to the hospital my throat hurt where the barrette had left a scar. To this day when I am worried my throat hurts where that barrette scraped me and I think about God, I think about prayer and I think about surrender. I was not mad at God; I don’t believe that he punishes us today for some wrong done yesterday. I don’t even really believe that he throws things at us to see if we will break. I think he made a wonderful, joyous, messy chaotic world that is perfect in its form. We were made in his image but we are also a miraculous machine that functions perfectly. I may not be perfect but the design of my body is, and it was working perfectly when it realized that this just wasn't going to be a baby. It was a pregnancy but it was not going to be a baby, my body knew that and as it is designed to do it stopped something that was not perfect. It is called the Miracle of Life for a reason; each baby is a miraculous thing. It is a miracle that we get pregnant at all. So my throat hurt and my heart hurt and I crawled into myself and my bed for a week. When I went back to work I started my daily walks and may usual daily talks with God. I guess it is called prayer but really it is me having a conversation with someone I cannot see. We check out the homes that have gone up for sale, the new landscaping and any issues I am concerned with. He is a sounding board for my frustration and grief; I gain peace and formulate plans on how to overcome things that I don’t like. I have always done this, since as far back as the barrette. Not only does he illuminate the path I want to take but he laughs at the silly things that bother me, I can hear it in my head. So the week after I was no longer pregnant I was listening to the song “A Living Prayer” on my walk when I felt that hug. I know it is not the end of the world and I can get pregnant again but I was sad and I felt that he knew it.  Maybe I am just talking to myself when I pray but does it really matter? I believe that I am talking to God and that he is answering me. I have faith and that is what gives me strength and allows me to see the world as beautiful, full of promise and mystery.

So I surrender my sadness and believe that my life is a wonderful thing and I hope that others see that in me. I hope that I am a living prayer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKpy15xBW4w

Go out and enjoy your precious life.

Sounding Cliché

Sounding Cliché

I am going to sound cliché here but I just cannot believe how time flies. My “little” cousin Barbara got married to Elias Reyes in Los Banos at an outdoor barn venue on October 5th 2013. Barbara Jean was the first baby I really got to play with, I was nine years old when she was born. When I was small my Aunt Rhonda and Uncle John lived near us in Oregon, the rest of our family lived in California. My Aunt let me decorate Easter eggs and pull out all of her Tupperware. My Uncle John taught me how to Yo-Yo, standing on the fireplace hearth. Later when we all moved back to California they taught me how to swim in the ocean, or rather they taught me the importance of closing my mouth while in the ocean, and they took me to Sea World. During all these fun activities they did not have children of their own and while I completely loved the attention that I received from them it was a wonderful day when we learned Aunt Rhonda was pregnant. She pulled my sister and I into the bedroom to tell us some big news, she said, “Guess what? I’m going to have a baby.” I was very excited and I think Julie was too, and then we were allowed to break the news to my parents in the other room. Those nine months were such a long wait but the day finally arrived and we were at the hospital to see our new cousin. Everyone in the family had decided she was going to have a boy but my sister was convinced that the baby would be a girl. The doctor came out to announce the news and asked, “Who said it was a girl?” Everyone cheered and pointed to Julie who was beaming. A baby girl cousin was born and  immediately Julie and I were the “Big” girls now. I got to change diapers (sorry Barbie!), feed her bottles, rock her in the rocking chair and carry her on my hip. So this month she put on a beautiful white dress, walked down the aisle and became a wife. I can hardly believe it but “my baby” cousin grew up. Congratulations Barbara and Elias.

My Grandparents are packing up their house because they are moving from Porterville to San Pablo. My parents, Terry, Allison and I went up on 10/19/13 weekend to help pack up all of the family treasures that need to make the trip north. Aunt Rhonda, Uncle John and Sally came to help and in no time the living room and half of the kitchen were bubble wrapped and stored in boxes. Then Barbara and her new family arrived to assist the rest of us and watch her wedding pictures. So many stories were told about our family as we packed pocket watches, wedding dishes and books.  We made new memories as Allison grabbed Aunt Rhonda and fell asleep in the rocking chair on Saturday and then grabbed Grandma and fell asleep in the rocking chair on Sunday. Aunt Rhonda and Grandma you both still have the Magic Touch!

Have a great week everyone!