** Disclaimer. This is a very personal blog post and contains my
views and feelings on God, of the Christian variety. Just wanted to let you
know before you got half way through and felt that it might not be something
that you wanted to know about me or my faith. Most of the time this blog is
just about fun, fun, fun but I felt the need to write this and I was always
told to write what you know. So here goes. **
A Living
Prayer
Alison
Krause and Union Station
In this world I walk alone with no place to call
my home
But there's one who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands
The way is dark, the road is steep
But He's become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
The Savior lives inside me there
In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
In these trials of life I find
Another voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives
In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
When I was very little, and we still lived in Oregon, we
would take vacations to visit my Grandparents in Southern California. The sunny
days and palm trees of their homes were very different from the wet air and
deep green plants that was my home. I
wanted to enjoy every last second but my Mom thought I needed a nap. Ugh. So it
was during one of these vacations that I found myself in the family room of my
Grandma’s house, bored to tears with nothing to play with except for a snap
barrette. I was not supposed to be awake, I was not supposed to be playing and
I most definitely was not supposed to be putting that barrette in my mouth and
then proceeding to open and close it with my tongue. No ma’am! I was told MANY
times to “Get that thing out of your mouth! You could swallow it.” Who cares? I
had swallowed a lot of things that I wasn't supposed to; a marble, a penny and
some of those dry beans from the grocery store bin, and nothing had ever
happened to me. So I played with the barrette while I lay there on the pull out
couch not sleeping; open, close, open, close, open … swallow.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
I swallowed it, just like my Mother had said. It was stuck
half way down! I was going to die. This was it, what a horrible way to go. All
of my family would know that I had disobeyed my Mom and then she would be sad.
Of course, I panicked and scratched at my throat and started to cry but I did
not scream. This is where my little five year old brain started working, I
realized I was breathing and that meant I had some time. I started to pray with
all of the earnestness that a small child has, I promised to obey my parents
from then on if only I could get out of this situation, and by “get out” I
meant so that my Mom wouldn't find out because I REALLY didn't want her to know
that I had disobeyed. As I sat there silently crying I heard laughter and felt
a big hug engulf me. God had spoken to me, I knew it and I still know it to
this day. My mood lightened and I knew everything would be OK and I also knew
what to do. So even though it hurt like
the dickens I slowly pushed my hand into my mouth and down my throat to snatch
that horrible barrette out. It tried to hold on but I yanked it out. I threw
the barrette across the room and thanked my lucky stars that I got it out and
went right to sleep. I had already disobeyed my Mom once that day and I was not
going to do it again, I had made a promise.
About a month ago I had to deal with the fact that I was no
longer pregnant. Yes, for 9 short weeks I was basking in the glow of a secret,
I was pregnant again. A happy surprise that came on Terry and I like a
thunderclap, I was dumbfounded and kept saying, “How did this happen?” My Dad
laughed and said, “Probably the usual way.”
Well thank you but as you all should know I am a planner and don’t think
for one minute that I didn't have a plan for having another baby. So when this
surprise came up it was truly a surprise. A wonderful, happy and downright
exuberant surprise, it was on my face most of the time I think. I told a few
friends and my very close family, they could tell something was up and I
couldn't keep it in. But as I am a planner I had decided to wait before telling
everyone because the first trimester is tricky, don’t want to count the
chickens or is it the eggs …? Anyway, I decided to wait until after my first
pre-natal appointment to announce the news. I made an appointment for 10/09/13
and counted down the days. I pulled out
the “What to Expect When You are Expecting” on my Nook; since I didn't read one
word of it the last time, it’s never too late right? I began at page one and
read through the “How to …” portion and laughed, “Oh foolish book, I already
know how to do this. We’re past this point.” I read on through the very
beginning stages, signs and nutrition information to sustain a healthy
pregnancy. Throughout the book there are links to different sections in other
chapters for cross referencing information since the same advice at the
beginning of the pregnancy can be applied at the end of the pregnancy. As I was
reading through the miscarriage section I accidentally hit one of these links
that took me to the very end of the book, the section dealing with grief and the
loss of a child. I didn't realize I had done this. At the time I thought, “Wow.
This is pretty heavy stuff for the beginning of the book. Surprised it is so
popular, this might scare a lot of people away from reading the rest of it.” I
finally figured out what had happened when I came to the end of the book and I
hadn't read anything about actually having a baby, I laughed, flipped back to
the correct chapter and went on my merry way. This was my “engulfing hug”
because it was time for me to know where to go when the grief hit. I was being
taken care of before I even knew to ask, to pray and make promises.
A week before my scheduled appointment I started to bleed
and I knew it was over. I went to the doctors several times but as the days
went on I knew. There were blood tests
to take and each time right before the results came in I would hope that they
told me something different than what my own body was telling me. Each time was
just a sad confirmation. So on 10/08/13, one day before my appointment, it was
over and I was no longer pregnant. I was so very sad. I cried and scared poor Allison
one night when Terry wasn't home. I was trying to be so very strong and brave
but really I was angry and wanted to scream. I remembered reading the portion
of the book and knew that I hadn't read it by accident.
That entire week before I went to the hospital my throat
hurt where the barrette had left a scar. To this day when I am worried my
throat hurts where that barrette scraped me and I think about God, I think
about prayer and I think about surrender. I was not mad at God; I don’t believe
that he punishes us today for some wrong done yesterday. I don’t even really
believe that he throws things at us to see if we will break. I think he made a
wonderful, joyous, messy chaotic world that is perfect in its form. We were
made in his image but we are also a miraculous machine that functions
perfectly. I may not be perfect but the design of my body is, and it was
working perfectly when it realized that this just wasn't going to be a baby. It
was a pregnancy but it was not going to be a baby, my body knew that and as it
is designed to do it stopped something that was not perfect. It is called the
Miracle of Life for a reason; each baby is a miraculous thing. It is a miracle
that we get pregnant at all. So my throat hurt and my heart hurt and I crawled
into myself and my bed for a week. When I went back to work I started my daily
walks and may usual daily talks with God. I guess it is called prayer but
really it is me having a conversation with someone I cannot see. We check out
the homes that have gone up for sale, the new landscaping and any issues I am concerned
with. He is a sounding board for my frustration and grief; I gain peace and formulate
plans on how to overcome things that I don’t like. I have always done this,
since as far back as the barrette. Not only does he illuminate the path I want
to take but he laughs at the silly things that bother me, I can hear it in my
head. So the week after I was no longer pregnant I was listening to the song “A
Living Prayer” on my walk when I felt that hug. I know it is not the end of the
world and I can get pregnant again but I was sad and I felt that he knew it. Maybe I am just talking to myself when I pray but
does it really matter? I believe that I am talking to God and that he is
answering me. I have faith and that is what gives me strength and allows me to
see the world as beautiful, full of promise and mystery.
So I surrender my sadness and believe that my life is a
wonderful thing and I hope that others see that in me. I hope that I am a
living prayer.
Go out and enjoy your precious life.
